Freedom is nothing, but the will to be free.

Random poems, thoughts and musings.


Melodrama, why are you my best friend? 


Let the words speak a thousand riddles, 

I’ll decipher them in my head, 

like a coded message from me to you, 

give me the signal, 

we’ll run away. 

Crawl beneath the chimes. 

let the music sooth you, 

they’re getting ready to strike, 

get your walls back up around you. 

I’d feel guilty, 

if I was that kind, 

but there’s no turning back now, 

I don’t want you to see, 

it’s better if I’m alone, 

just me, 

with your last words to keep me company. 


Scribbles on the pages, 

float around, 

the air filled with sighs, 

empty is the sound, 

hollow goodbyes, 

half hearted waves, 

maybe today I’ll be able to make it farther than the gate.

Conscience is non existant, 

a myth like the others we believe in, 

somehow it all seemed real, 

doesn’t it always? 


Aww my baby! I haven’t forgotten you at all, it’s just, with the big clunky Blackberry that I know have, all my poems go straight into that. It’s so much easier that way. But, I need to get ’em out of there, and so I’ll post ’em here soon. They will be lame, as always, but it’s cool, I don’t really thinks anyone even reads this anyways. 


Hymn for the missing

|Because I’m such a considerate person WordPress, i’m gonna warn you beforehand that this is not a happy post. In fact, I’ve kind of not made happy posts for a while now. I don’t fee like it. And you’ve been whining in my inbox about me not posting something for 2 months, so this is what you get.|

Life sucks, and then you die.

If only, you should be so lucky.

Life sucks, the people you love die, and then you die.

^ That sort of covers the whole thing better.


It was my birthday on the 15th.



Happy fuckin birthday to me.

This is from the heart.

yeah, so waddup wordpress? I know you’re thinking i use you only when i’m sad, and well, that is kind of true. So now that we have that out of thw way can we get down to me being sad and moping? Thanks, Appreciate it. 

You know how MM left us all in Jan, it sucked, and i miss her every single day, in fact i miss her so much i think i see her at night, freaky huh? i think its just my guilt getting the better of me. the fact that i was a colossal bitch to her sometimes. Only sometimes. Not always, not on a regular basis, maybe just 1 or 3 times. And i miss her so much, it hurts. people are wrong, the pain does not get better after some time. It just hurts even more. When the realization slowly sinks in. maybe i thought that it’ll get better after, she’ll come back. she isn’t. She never is. and i have to move on. 

The fact is though that there was always MM2, (they both have the same initials) and she and my mum supported each other pretty well. They were there for each other, cause only they knew what was going on the others mind, only 2 sisters can share the pain of loosing another sister. And now she’s going too. Back to the place she doesn’t really belong in, but only cause there’s a ‘better life’ there. Bullshit. She’s a coward. maybe staying here reminds her of MM too much, or maybe she just wants to go the place of less dirt and pollution, i don’t know, and know what? i don’t care. She’s leaving all of us, for something, and there is nothing in this world that can justify that. Nothing at all. and i am so mad at her, that i can’t talk to her without being rude, and i will so regret this after she’s gone, that the last few days we had together before god knows when we’ll get to meet next, and i was only rude to her. But i can’t be nice. 

because if i put the anger aside for a second, there’s only pain in me. Pain so massive that i might just explode. and somehow the anger seems like a better alternative cause i can take it out on someone. And i know its not gonna get easier as time goes on. The past few weeks, stuff has just been building up, and one day i’m not gonna be able to take it anymore. I can’t. I’m weak, i know that, because only the weal blame others. i just want it all to get over, just make all the tension and pain and EVERY OTHER SHITTY THING TO STOP!!!

because i’ve had it, i’m done, i’m tired of arguing with people i love, people who only want the best for me. 

I’m tired of resisting change around. 

i’m tired of denying that MM is gone. she’s not coming back.

i’m tired of refusing to accept that MM2 is leaving too. 

And, i’m tried of refusing to accept help.  


People always leave. Always, the world is a sad selfish place, and we’re all in it alone. there’s no one here to help us, or support us. We’re in it alone. and its time I accepted this fact myself. 

woah, umm, i have no idea what made me write this. i wanna say something smart like, ‘its a metaphor’ but i have nothing. and this is a very long title. Ugh.

Beware the madman,
He comes in the dark,
With his little sickle,
He’ll cut out your heart.
Monotony is his mate,
Together they play a game,
They toss the coins and pick the straws, to choose the next name,
Don’t feel bad, darling
You’re could be next,
Its a matter of fate,
Who is a fickle bitch.
She likes to mock your life,
She’ll make you safe and sound,
And then put in your name,
A different ways,
So gear up love,
I can’t help you with this,
Gotta help the mad man,
Pick out his next hit.
See I’m no different,
I scope out next targets,
The mad man’s my lover,
And this is our little game,
Close your eyes,
And pray,
That I don’t pick your name.


I see all of us know,
Kneeling in prayer,
And wonder, are you still waiting there? For we still feel your presence,
And there’s still your essence, that overtakes all other emotions,
And makes me doubt,
That ur still here,
Hiding and escaping from sight,
Something I don’t get,
I thought we’d made it clear,
We won’t forget,
Anything you’ve said or done,
My mind is filled with regret.
Yet, I set myself up,
For the hail of bullets
And thunderbolts
I know they’re coming
I can feel them
the electrified humming
In the air,
There’s no other sound,
But that of the storm,
That’s been here before,
Its just that we wethered it,
Then and again,
But it isn’t neccessary,
That each time,
We’ll be so lucky,
That the storm’ll be,
Just like a passing memory,
And some day we forget,
And learn to move on,
And so that’s why I write this now,
For the brain is fickle,
And easily susceptible to
The change and eeriness
That each day brings,
And though it pains me so,
To have to write this down,
I have to,
I don’t want to forget,
For the pain helps erase away the regret.
And now standing in the,
Center of it all,
I recall,
What you’d said to me,
Be brave, my love,
Its gonna get harder,
And the weariness doesn’t go,
But each time you try,
You’ll learn to resist,
The helpless that exists,
And makes you want to give up,
And just quit,
No don’t stop,
Never should you doubt,
Yourself or those around,
That you lean on,
For support, and strentgh,
And some amount of excuses,
To escape is an art,
But a weak one at that,
And thóugh running away is never wrong,
I trust that you’ll have the strength to move on,
And keep the belief alive,
And all that we have sacrificed,
Will be paid for,
For nothing goes to waste,
Its the order of the days,
And with this I say,
Goodbye my child,
One day I’m sure you will realise,
That memories don’t die,
Or fade away,
They growstronger with each day.

Dear Past Me, (around 5 years ago),

hey! waddup? hows it going? yes, i do still talk like that. waddup is never going out of style, trust me on that. so you’re, I’m, 16! wow, thats supposed to be a pretty special age for a girl right, but trust me on this, cause i’ve been through it, 16 for you will suck. you’re gonna make some bad decisions, and i mean life-changing bad decisions. you’ll finish 10th grade in may, and then it will be time to choose a stream for the remaining school years, and that’s where you go wrong. you should take arts, but you’ll take science, and though i now dad refuses to accept that its because of him, we both know how he is, yeah he’s still the same, but we love him no matter.

you wanted to do egyptology, you’re gonna do engineering. only cause of that one decision you made. and i’m telling you know, that yeah i don’t think about it much these days, but there are days when i sorely regret it. but nothing can be done, we just have to grin and bear, we’re good at doing that, aren’t we?

you’re an idiot, and i still am, though not so much as i was back then, hostel was good for me, as it helped me grow and realise that i have no clue who i am, so hurray! even you’re 21 you’re gonna be as lost as you were back then. but no fear, i think we’re growing stronger by the day and will day eventually find ourselves ( please fix this habbit of using cliches!). in other serous stuff, our eldest aunt will pass away in jaunary of 2012, so try to spend as much time with her as you can. you have 5 years to collect some great memories. i guess thats all for now, if there’ll be more, i’ll drop in another letter.

the cooler me.

p.s. we have 2 dogs now, please train them to sleep on the floor, you’ll thank me for it.


i know that this supposed to be the more serious blog ( or depressing :|) but i can’t help it!!
i know most probably a lot of people aren’t reading this, actually i think no one is :), so i can write whatever i want to, so here goes! i just saw my spam comments, and i really don’t think i’ve ever even mentioned sex dating anywhere, let alone on this blog! and there wasn’t one, but 2 of them! thanking me for my advice on sex dating. well, you’re most welcome. now you’ve just made me have to check if wether any of my poems have double meanings to them.

The one who walks in sorrow.

So long,
i guess its your time to leave,
They’ve pulled up the hearse,
and wait for you to get on,
do we need to carry you?
or you leave on your own,
just know this,
i need to ask,
Wy’d you have to go so suddenly?
If only i could say goodbye.

All that i have now i regret,
Thank you for the pain,
It’ll be a part of me now,
Forver replacing my shadow,
They’ll call me the one who walks in sorrow.

We all line up,
to make sure you know,
You’re as important as the sun,
maybe even more,
B’coz now that you aren’t here,
it only seems dark,
maybe let them take me instead,
I’d do it over a hundred times,
each with a different ending in sight.

All that i have now i regret,
Thank you for the pain,
It’ll be a part of me now,
Forver replacing my shadow,
They’ll call me the one who walks in sorrow.

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